A couple days ago, a young boy named Arthur pulled the sword from the stone that everyone is England knows means that he is our king. Still, the nobles are skeptical (As usual). The sword has been pulled out by accident, because our future king couldn’t find a sword and this sword was the only one at hand, but still, he is our king because God has made it be so. The nobles plan to gather at Pentecost to test the boy again. But, it seems apparent that the boy is destined to be king.
What Have They Done to our Beer?!
By Orton
With the outbreak of the recent scandal in the religious world, people have been shocked to discover that the “Blood of Christ” is practically all water with minimal amounts of wine. We found the need to investigate, and upon further inquisition, we found that nearly all of your sources for your “happy juice” are distilled! In experiment that me and my colleagues took part in, we went to every tavern within a two kilometer radius of Oxfordshire. Not only that, but we can also prove that the taverns that say that they have the “best” drink were nearly always the most watered-down! The experiment was set up so that we “borrowed” a cow from a local farmer, (we did give it back. We didn’t want to be stuck with a half-dead four-legged creature that you can’t even ride,) and discovered that the cow became drunk, (to a notable degree, anyway. It probably lost brain function after the first pint,) after drinking three pints of ale that contained the average, non-distilled alcohol content for ale. We then took the cow to every twelve taverns (one per week. That cow recovered really slowly,) and measured how many pints it took to get her drunk. Here are the results:
*Tavern keepers were so ashamed by these allegations, the prefered to remain anonymous. SInce all taverns within a 2 kilometer radius of oxfordshire, simply avoid them all. They’ll learn their lesson anyway.
I want to take a moment to thank Bessie for being such a good sport helping us discover this awful truth. I know she’s using this moment to thank us for all the free drink. But Bessie’s pleasure taught us something. It taught us that the only way to get the right price for your beer in these awful times is to make it yourself. It also taught me that intoxicated cows make great alcoholic milk, but don’t try that at home. Especially when the cow is still drunk.
I hope we all learned something from my little experiment. The next time that a taverner tells you that his product is pure, he’s lying to you. Make sure you never overpay for drink again.
You’re all welcome, (especially to you Bessie,)
Orton
Jousting Upset
By Victoria Darcy
Last night an epic jousting battle took place between Sir Ryder and Sir Nicholas. Both of the strong young men fought long and hard to knock the other off their stallion. In the beginning it seemed as though Nicholas would have an easy win, considering he had a good 25 pounds on Ryder. He had the upper hand, and everyone assumed it would be a quick, easy victory for Sir Nicholas. They struggled long and hard for over an hour, charging each other with the long lances. Blood was spilled, bruises were created and it looked as though Sir Ryder was about to collapse. However, in the end Ryder’s endurance trumped Nicholas’ strength. Ryder struck Nicholas with a devastating blow right in his gut, taking the wind out of him, and knocking him off of his horse. Everyone was extremely surprised by the upset. In the end, the underdog pulled off the victory.
The Gist about the Joust!
By: Lady Marie
Today’s joust was extravagant, absolutely incredible when Lord Louie and Sir Markett came out from behind the columns; their faces glistening in the sunlight. And their dark chocolate colored steeds raging with enthusiasm. I knew this was going to be the fight of the century. The noble knights got to their positions and smiled bravely at the audience. You could tell they were confident; probably thinking to themselves that they were sure to win the joust. The gunshot indicated the start of the show; and so the two riders urged their horses to run. Sir Markett raced towards Lord Louie with such force I thought Louie was a goner. But luckily, Louie was catching up to speed, and they both charged full on to each other.
This was only the beginning and more was to come! But with his javelin, Markett did indeed impale Lord Louie's shield. The impact brought both of their horses to a halt and made them come crashing down off of their horses. When the two knights got back up off of the ground, Lord Louie took off his helmet and the audience gasped at the sight of the gash on the side of his left face. No one knew if he would be able to keep fighting. Then there was Markett who has also fallen off of his horse; he too looked very injured.
It looked as though Markett would be alright. But just in case, a medical team came to the field to check them both out. By the second, Louie was losing tons of blood. But he refused to stop the fight. No one could blame him for wanting to continue the fight. But if he risked it all, it could be fatal. He hollered at the medical team to leave him, so they quickly finished wrapping his head in a white cloth; and left the raging man. One medic yelled: “You’re making a big mistake”! Once the men got back on their steeds, you could see the smirk on Markett’s face, which was full of pride and confidence. It was odd that he didn’t even look a little worried about Louie, it was cruel. For the last time, the gun fired, and they were off once again. With a little luck, and a head start, Louie pulled it off. He struck Markett right in the head, sending him flying off his horse, and onto the ground. Lord Louie was crowned winner! With that exciting end, the crowd went mad!