We’ve recently caught up with Sir Lancelot du Lac at a quaint bar on the corner of Canal Road and Friar Street. As he walked up to the table he was looking dashing as always, he had a very fashionable cape and hood on, mahogany colored. The outfit was probably picked out by his very own Queen Guinevere. There was more than enough female peasants trying to get a glimpse of Lance while they can. He ordered us a pint like a true gentleman, and then we began the interview. Sir Lancelot has had an interesting life in the past decade. To start out he was a noble knight of the round table. One of King Arthur’s finest, then reality hit, and it hit hard. The noble Sir Lancelot had an affair with King Arthur’s wife Queen Guinevere. This had been going on for quite a while when the word got out. King Arthur was furious, one of his finest knights had committed treason. Queen Guinevere was locked in her castle waiting to be burned for her immature deed, when Sir Lancelot came and swept her away, and they ran off together. We sent a carrier pigeon to Lance, and he agreed to an interview. Special Thanks to Lord Kingsley for asking Lance these troubling questions.
Kingsley: Welcome Sir Lancelot, thank you for coming. Please hold your hand out; Do you Sir Lancelot swear to be truthful throughout this whole interview. Lance: I swear on my mother’s grave.
Kingsley: Let’s begin. Okay Lance, we all know you had an affair with King Arthur’s Guinevere. But what readers don’t know is what kind of things you were thinking during your affair with Guinevere?
Lance: Well, when I was with her I didn’t have a care in the world. I loved her so much the only thing I was thinking about was her. But then when I left and I was alone there were so many thoughts in my mind. I got down on myself more than anyone ever should. And the round table was even more painful. Knowing that I was being mendacious, and lying to my King was something I almost could not bear.
Kingsley: Wow. I know that you had an amazing friendship with Arthur. How has that relationship changed since the word got out about you and Guinevere?
Lance: Well it has changed immensely. He no longer talks to me, he doesn’t send me carrier pigeons anymore. Sometimes he sends guys to kill me, because I know he’s mad. There is never one day of my life that I regret destroying me and Arthur’s friendship.
Kingsley: So Lance, do you regret having an affair with Guinevere?
Lance: No! No, of course not, don’t start that rumor! I just......I.......you know, I want everything to be perfect. The ideal would be that Arthur didn’t marry Guinevere in the first place. Then I could still be friends with Arthur, and I could have Guin too. But, that’s not how life works. I chose to be with Guinevere, and that’s what I will do. I will stay true to Guinevere, forever and always.
Kingsley: I can tell you love Guinevere, but you also tried to stay true to the code of chivalry. In the end you chose Guinevere and betrayed your King. So, does that mean love trumps chivalry?
Lance: No! Well......I don’t know. I think that i will always remain chivalrous to my lady Guinevere. Because she is my queen, I will always stay true to her. So in that way chivalry and love go together. But in the situation where I am supposed to remain chivalrous to my King, love trumps that.
Kingsley: Okay. That’s enough hard-core questions for now. Let’s take some questions from the peasant
Peasant #1: Lance! Lance! Hi, I’m a big fan. Could you tell me what do you use to make your hair so soft.
Lance: Well apart from bathing twice a week.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
Lance: I also use shampoo. conditioner, and lard. The shampoo helps clean, the conditioner helps smoothen. And the lard is that extra touch that can never go wrong.
Peasant #2: Lance! Over here Lance! Please Lance, will you marry me?
Lance: I’m sorry peasant, no. I will always remain true to my Queen. Guinevere is my one true love.
Peasant #3: Lance! I love you! Lance! Okay, here it goes. Lance, are you ever going to marry Queen Guinevere.
Lance: I hope so peasant. It is a very sensitive matter right now. I think Guinevere is mad at herself for betraying Arthur. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I don’t even know where she is at the moment. So, I hope to marry her someday, just not this day.
Kingsley: Wow Lance. you’re quite the womanizer. How do you feel about that.
Lance: I love all of my fans, even the peasants. I think they have helped me so much in my time of struggle. I am almost done with the fight, so I really appreciate their support.
Kingsley: Alright, that’s all the time we have. Come back next time when I interview the blacksmith who met King Arthur. This is Sir Kingsley of the Crying Canary signing off.
Queen Guinevere Lady Evangeline
The Round Table has always been something mysterious to the subjects and peasants of Camelot. With more protected secrets than all the gossip in town, the Round Table succeeds most in shocking the public. They have been helping King Arthur and the past kings for centuries. The knights are the most respected and all take the code of chivalry. All of them keep peace in town, or at least until now. Shockingly, gossip has given the once respected Round Table a bad name. So what is the secret buzz around town? What are the nobles hiding? What happened to make the downfall that everyone will talk about for decades? This exclusive with Guinevere, one person who knows the complete story, will tell all and finally set things straight.
Guinevere is the gorgeous daughter of Leodegrance, the king of Carmelide. (He served King Arthur’s biological father.) Guinevere married King Arthur although they never had any children together. Her mother died soon after she was born and her sister was borne from wedlock. Guinevere is coming out with a book Being Queen that is an autobiography on her life. It’s coming out in August so be sure to check it out for more on her life and struggles.
We recently caught up with her at the former King Arthur’s castle. She was dressed in the traditional nun clothes of black and white. The Queen was praying when we walked in and had provided food for us. My first impression of her was that she is a kind old woman. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to burn her like witches.
Lady Evangeline: It’s quite nice to meet you. First of all, how do you feel on being a nun? Why’d you become one?
Queen Guinevere: Thank you, as do I. Well I really wanted to be a nun on a whim. (Chuckle) It was just what felt right at the time. I wanted to rid of my sins and becoming a nun was my way of celebrating Arthur’s life. It just didn’t feel right to take advantage of his death and running off with Lancelot.
E: I don’t quite understand why you would become a nun. You would’ve been so happy with Lancelot, I mean, you loved him. Do you think that Arthur wouldn’t forgive you?
G: I love Lance, but it’s not really because of Arthur’s forgiveness. I still respect Arthur quite a lot. He was a wonderful king. Um... I guess I felt my duty as the queen of him was to become a holy woman. I hope that Arthur does forgive me as well as God himself.
E: Could you elaborate more on King Arthur? If you love Lancelot so much why did you marry Arthur? How do you feel about breaking Arthur’s heart?
G: Oh wow (Laugh), this is becoming depressing. I never would’ve thought I would leave Arthur. I am completely honest when I say that I did love Arthur; I just love Lance more. I met Arthur long before Lance. Lance and I just felt right, or at least more so than Arthur. He was a nice guy and as I said before, a wonderful king, but he wasn’t for me. I’m still saddened by how everything ended up. Even my own heart breaks at thinking of what I did to his heart. (Frown)
E: Let’s get on a lighter topic. How did you feel on being queen? What did you like about it? Do you wish you weren’t so that Lancelot and you could be together? Which then brings me to what were you like before queen?
G: So many questions! (Both laugh) It was... satisfactory being queen. It was quite nice in the castle, it was just lonesome. It was nice having beautiful dresses and lavish jewels. I also probably wouldn’t have met Lance if I weren’t queen. Before being queen I had a good life. I was a princess after all.
E: Interesting... Sort of off topic, but what are your feelings toward Mordred?
G: I think he deserves what happened to him. I mean, plotting against Arthur? All Arthur was was kind to him, and in the end Arthur got backstabbed. No one ever saw it coming too! None of us nobles knew he disliked the king enough to kill him. Arthur raised him and we thought it was all a bit of bickering.
E: Bickering t’was indeed. Tell me, how did you react when people started gossipping?
G: I was shocked. I was always faithful to the king, so I tried to avoid Lancelot as much as I could. Even he knew I was faithful to Arthur, all Lance and I were friends and nothing ever happened.
E: Do you regret your choices on what you did to prevent your death?
G: Well, if there was a time machine I would definitely take it to go back in time. I wasn’t trying to think only of myself, honest! I was hoping thing would calm down and I would finally be with Sir Lancelot. I never ever wanted Arthur and Mordred to have a war. Sigh, too bad we can’t change the past.
E: Don’t we all wish we could. Well that’s all the time we have. It was wonderful talking to you.
Don’t forget to buy Guinevere's book!
Fashion Weekly
Kingsley
Sir Kingsley here with the latest scoop on what’s in, in the fashion world. Let’s start simple, with fashion for peasants. Rags are out ladies, potato sacks are in. Last week I talked about snatching rags from your lords kitchen, and turning them into a show stopping blouse. But rags are so last week, this week potato sacks are what all the fuss is about. This fashion in inexpensive, yet undeniably gorgeous. Here’s how to make it at home.
Fetch some potatoes for your Lord.
Cook those potatoes.
Serve your Lord those delicious potatoes.
While he is half asleep quietly ask him if you can have the potato sack.
Cut arm and leg holes in the sack
Accessorize
Interview With Sir Rowan Basset Sir Mudkip Montbrai
Knights are soldiers in armor, valiantly fighting and serving their lord, protecting their kingdom with their life. They are courageous and skilled, strong and smart, fast and never tired. The knight. Never yielding, worthy, honorable men. Knights.
There are several famous knights in the past. We’ve all heard of the legendary Sir Lancelot, the most valiant knight of the Round Table. We’ve heard of Sir William Wallace, the legendary leader of the Scottish Wars. There’s also Sir Galahad, the pure and strong knight of the Round Table. However, there is another knight worthy of legendary status. This man protected several villages from dragon and giant attacks. He has lead his men to victory in a battle against the Knights of the Pentagonal Table, the infamous French Knights who defeated a full force of 100 knights of the King. This man wrote many quality books, all while being a powerful and reliable knight. I present to you the smartest knight alive, the mastermind Sir Rowan Basset! And ladies, he’s available! Let’s cut to the interview:
Sir Mudkip Montbrai: I see that your hair looks really REALLY nice. Where in tarnation do you get it cut?! Sir Rowan Basset: Haha! I cut my hair by myself! I take my sword and cut my hair strand by strand, then I comb it with my nails. SMM: Wow! Impressive! How do you have the time to train to battle so well, yet write so many quality books?! SRB: Well, many people don’t know it, but they waste a lot of time! I just speed up my actions slightly, and I can usually save 30 to 60 minutes a day. That’s an extra 4 to 7 or so hours a week! And, you can get a lot done in 4 hours. SMM: So you’ve written a book for young children who are developing their reading skills with their parents. Could you give us a synopsis of the book? SRB: Well, my first book, Tickle My Ickle, is a toddler’s story about a child and their pet dragon, Ickle. One day, Ickle begins to misbehave. The father attempts to beat it. He gets fire shot into his face. I really had to develop my technique for this illustration. I decided to have his head black, as if charred, with his eyes popping out, surprised. This simple illustration took weeks of practice! Whew, that was a tough drawing. Anyways, erm, where was I? Oh, right. The mother tries to tempt it with food, but gets her food blasted with fire. SMM: Ickle sure loves blasting things with fire! SRB: Ha, yeah! *clears throat* So anyways, the child, who knows Ickle best, knows what will calm it down. The child dresses up in a fur coat, and starts to tickle Ickle. Ickle, who has a fear of tickling and monsters, quickly behaves. This child combined these two fears to create the Tickle Monster, and thus was able to calm Ickle down. And so, they lived happily ever after. SMM: Tickle Monster... My gut tells me that’ll be a game amongst children in the far future! Alright. So, you’re best known for your bestselling children’s literature book series, Knight. Can you tell us a little bit about Knight? SRB: Well, Knight is set in the future, maybe... 700 years or so? Anyways, Knight features 7 boys in a Knight Academy, training to be knights. Everything is really high-tech and stuff. Basically, a secret organization undermines the government and the society created for hundreds of years! The entire book focuses on character development, tough decisions between what’s right and wrong, and questioning their own values all while working to take down this secret organization. There’s action, adventure, massive character development, and a touch of romance as a cherry on top. SMM: Seems like a great read! How many books are in the series? SRB: As of now, I don’t know. I’m currently working on the 4th installment, but all of the battles lately with the Knights of the Pentagonal Table has been slowing down progress. SMM: Dang nabbit! Those Knights of the Pentagonal Table are taking away truly great literature! *clears throat* So, anyways, um, we’ve heard you’re making a book teaching people about illustrating and artwork, is that true? SRB: Yup. I’ve always loved to draw, and I haven’t really been able to since I wrote Tickle My Ickle, so I think it’ll be fun to pick it up again and teach others about art. SMM: Yeah, I can see that. I sure do need to pick that up! I’ve always loved to draw! Alright, 2 more questions. First off, why don’t you tell us about your non-fiction book? SRB: Well, my adult non-fiction, Flailing, is about the conditions of the peasants of modern day society. It shows their opinions on their life, several heart-shattering stories, and it all revolves around the fact that the peasants are a very important part and aspect of modern day life, and we should treat them so. SMM: I see. Flailing will hopefully change the way many nobles look at peasants. Right, one more question. What’s thee favorite color? SRB: Hmm... ah that’s a tough one... man. Uh... hmm... erm... umm... eeuy... pues... so many colors, so little time... emm... eaa... urm... uh... ah...ha! My favorite color is probably an... emu shade of brown! SMM: Emu? Sounds foreign! Well, ok. Thank you for your time, I know you’re very busy, Rowan. SRB: No, thank you. And everyone, I’d like to thank you for your continued support by buying my books! Thank you all!!
Sir Rowan Basset is currently working on Knight and his Illustration Book, so please, stay in touch with your local text merchant to see if Basset is in stock!
LOVE Kingsley
Aries: You like clear skies and butterflies. You are caring and agreeable. You will find your true love when the weather clears up. S/he will be your opposite, look at Scorpio.
Taurus: You are sweet and innocent, and so is your secret admirer. They have known you for quite a while, and want to take you to a jousting match. Look at Pisces.
Cancer: You are funny and lazy. You often do not want to work, you are lucky you are not a peasant. No fear, your true love is hard-working. S/he will make all the money for your family, and then some. Check out Capricorn.
Gemini: You are happy and flirtatious. Your perfect match is amazing but anti-social. You will have to get them out of their shell and show them the world. You like castles, and so do they. Maybe take them to the Rock of Cashel, it’s becoming a church. Check out Sagittarius.
Leo: You are respected by your peers. Although sometimes it feels liked love is just in fairy tales, you are wrong. Soon you will find your true love and live happily ever after; just like a fairytale. S/he will be calm yet super funny. Look at Libra.
Virgo: You are calm and agreeable, you like metal too. Become a blacksmith if that’s what your heart desires. Your match is generous and sentimental. S/he will always support you no matter what you do, and stay by your side through thick and thin. Look at Aquarius.
Libra: You are calm and funny. Your true love is just around the corner. A freak accident will have you falling head over heals for that special someone. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. S/he will be respected and realistic. Check out Leo.
Scorpio: You are strong and confident but sometimes you can be hard-headed. Don’t worry, opposites attract. You will find your perfect match who will be caring and sweet. S/he will send you a carrier pigeon every day. How cute. Check out Aries.
Sagittarius:You have all the qualities that attract noble lords and ladies. But you have a flaw, why are you so shy? Open up to the world and you will find your true love. S/he will come for you. Be happy, be healthy. Look at Gemini.
Capricorn: You are hardworking and determined. You will get what you wish in life. You want to support your family, and you will. You will find a true love who is breathtakingly funny. But don’t be hasty, your true love won’t fall from the sky. Look for them. Look at Cancer.
Aquarius: You are generous and sentimental. Sometimes you go crazy, but your true love can handle it. S/he is calm and collected, s/he has a knack for metal. Maybe a blacksmith. Check out Virgo.
Pisces: You have a crush. Don’t be afraid, go ask for their father’s approval. Your crush would love to get some fresh air. Maybe take her/him to a jousting tournament. Check out
King Arthur Lady Elizabeth
What is the image that comes to you when you think of a king? Some may say a chubby man in fuzzy, purple robes and living a high, relaxed life; while others think of a tall, tyrannical man who takes away all of life's pleasures. For some kings this is true, but there are many unknown things about them, like the fact that being kings’ must handle thousands of public affairs that you may not have even heard of. Also, when they make decisions that not all lords/barons agree to, they will be betrayed and may be assassinated. But, there is one king who is far above these stereotypes, and that person is King Arthur. King Arthur, a king famed for his wisdom, valor, and kindness to his people, is claimed to be the greatest king of Britain. As a young squire of the age 15, he pulled the great sword from the stone, proving his right to rule. Then, acquiring the sword Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake, he destroyed many evils in the land. Marrying the fair Lady Guinevere, he formed the Knights of the Round Table, with Sir Lancelot Du Lake at its head, being one of the greatest knights in the land. Here today at Castle Fornet is King Arthur, who has agreed to an interview of his world as king. Lady Elizabeth: So my lord, you have been proclaimed as the greatest king in the history of Britain, your father, Uther Pendragon close behind you. What do you have to say about this? King Arthur: Well, I must say that I am honored by my people to have been given this proclamation, but I cannot take it on myself alone. My “father” Sir Ector taught me many of the things I value today, such as defending the weak and living up to the code. Also, my “brother’ Sir kay showed me to be humble. It is because of them that I am at where I am, a respected ruler of a great nation. Merlin helped my family for a long time, advising both me and my father, and giving us tools to accomplish our goals and fulfill our needs. E: But do you think you would be where you are now without all of the assistance? A: In truth, I believe I still would be king, but I do not believe that I would be the same king. Today, without all of the guidance and assistance, I would probably be more of a tyrant or a lazy lord who gave up on his people. The things I've received, learned, and seen have thoroughly changed me from when I was a child. And I have the comrades around me to thank for this. E: You recently released a book on how you accomplished all you had. A King's Guide To Success, is the title, correct? A: You are correct. I thought that for all future kings, that they should know how to be a good king, and since they may not have all of the resources that I had. This would then lead them closely to how to do so. Also, many requests have been made to me by all the classes to write about this as well, since they wanted to know how I got so far. E: Also, many supporters of yours wished to know your thoughts on one of your knights/ recent enemy Mordred. How do you comment? A: I feel somewhat frustrated by him since he was one of my best knights, well-trusted and well-liked. But I believe I knew somewhere in me, that I would be betrayed by him. If he didn't try to take over everything I had, I think I would have made him my heir, since he was like a son to me. But now that can no longer be, because we are at war for this dear land that I have cared for. E: You truly are an honorable person. But at some point, you must have felt overwhelmed by all of this new responsibility. When do you think this was? A: I believe that the first and biggest mountain of problems to cross was when news was spreading of my dear Guinevere and Lancelot's affair. I had to make the hardest decision ever, one I wish I didn't have to make. Now with the coming war, I regret the decision I made. It wasn't very wise of me to ignore Merlin's warnings. E: Continuing on that subject, what do you think of the royal affair? Surely you can't stand the thought of your Queen with one of your greatest knights? A: I can't say that I am fine with this, but I can't say I am not. I love them both dearly, and they both seem so happy with each other, that I as a king couldn't destroy it. But sadly, a king must again make hard decisions. I regret having to have fought Lancelot, but if I hadn't, then all of the support I once had from my people would be lost. Also, I would lose another great knight who has been by my side for a long time. E: Well my king, I must say that it has been a pleasure speaking with you. I hope that you may have the best of luck in the incoming war, and be able to speak with us again. A: Thank you for interviewing me today. I too hope to see you again.